Satire
Kobe Bryant Crowned Lakers' MVP

By Corey Friedman

LOS ANGELES—His wide-toothed grin gone the way of his signature Afro hairstyle, a furious Kobe Bryant retreated from the Lakers’ locker room to sulk yesterday after being unanimously voted the team’s Most Valuable Pervert and awarded a trophy depicting an electric toaster hovering above a bathtub.

"I can honestly say that no one deserved this more than Kobe," said Los Angeles starting center Shaquille O’Neal. "The little freak should do us all a favor and take the trophy's suggestion. But out of all the pervs in the Lakers' line-up, Kobe is by far the most talented athletically."

The gutless worm is currently standing trial in Eagle, Colo. for the rape and sexual assault of a hotel employee. An insistent coward who refuses to own up to his repugnant actions, Bryant entered a plea of not guilty.

The MVP award was presented before a capacity crowd at the Staples Center yesterday afternoon. Child molester and musician R. Kelly was scheduled to perform at the ceremony, which was cut short when the brooding baller bolted.

Bryant priggishly refused to answer to reporters' questions after the awards ceremony, acting like the repulsive bottom-feeder he is.

"Even though looking at Kobe Bryant makes me want to vomit out my innards, there’s no denying his ability on the basketball court," said Lakers head coach Phil Jackson. "This sicko has a gift for basketball. He truly is the most valuable pervert we regret having on the team."

"Homegrown Products"

By Corey Friedman

WINTERVILLE, N.C. -- Déjà vu took on a whole new meaning last Saturday.

Four homegrown athletes squared off on the baseball diamond last weekend as Pitt Community College hosted Louisburg College in a National Junior College Athletic Association doubleheader.

Wearing PCC pinstripes were former Havelock High School standout Phil Schandorff and Zach Williams, formerly of New Bern High. In the opposing dugout sat Kenny Flythe--dubbed K-Fly during his time as a Bear--and West Craven's Mike Ange.

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NOTE: Corey apologizes for the appearance of "hogging" the blog, but if Eric would stop WRITING poetry long enough to POST it, we'd have more of a balance between fictional literature and fake journalism.

"Havelock baseball rolls past SW Onslow"

By Corey Friedman

HAVELOCK, N.C.--Rams head coach Chad Smothers said his team didn't play as well as expected Monday afternoon, but the scoreboard said otherwise.

After a sluggish start, Havelock ignited in the early innings to spring ahead by six runs, eventually easing past Southwest Onslow 8-2 to remain undefeated on the season.

"It was good enough, but it wasn't a great, great effort," Smothers said. "We played hard, but it wasn't as sharp at times as we need to be later on. That's a little disappointing, but I thought Chris Holden pitched pretty well--he did a good job today throwing strikes."


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Originally published and copyrighted in the March 9 Sun Journal.

2004 Tennis Preview
"New Bern has great expectations for season"

By Corey Friedman

It's time to replace the question marks with exclamation points.

Questions have been swirling around the New Bern tennis program for some time now; questions of when the team's potential will be realized, questions of when the Bears will contend for the chance to bring home a Big East conference crown.


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"For Bradley, it's a family affair"

"Swinging into action"

"Havelock hoping to keep making strides in conference as a team"

All stories originally published March 3 in the Sun Journal.

West Craven boys, girls fall in conference tournament

By Corey Friedman

DUDLEY, N.C. -- The West Craven Eagles need to forget Wednesday night almost as badly as Southern Wayne will want to remember it.

In a low-scoring contest between two dominant defenses, the hosting Saints squelched West Craven 48-42 in the opening round of the Eastern Carolina Conference tournament, sending the Eagles into next week's state playoff match-up against West Brunswick with a must-win mentality.


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Originally published in the Sun Journal Feb. 20, 2004.

2004 Rhubarb Cult Poetry Contest Winner

False Reflection

By Heide Hoffarth

Why do I conceal, why do I hide?
All these feelings I'm feeling inside.
Why do I feel so much pain?
All the blood rushes through my veins.
Why do I feel like I'm hurting another?
All I am is a mask with a cover.
Why cover something I can't even see?
All because I don't want you to see the real me.
Why do I feel like I'm wearing a mask?
All of my feelings I no longer grasp.
Why does all of this run through my mind?
All the answers; too hard to find.
Why try to look when I can't even see?
All I see is a reflection of me.

The writer is a student at Luther College in Decorah, Iowa.

THE CRITIC
Swimmer can be harsh on himself as he strives for perfection in pool

By Corey Friedman

NEW BERN, N.C.---New Bern swimmer Zac Smith expects to churn up some waves today as he sets out to silence his harshest critic--himself.

Disappointed with his time in the 50-meter freestyle, down just a tick from last year's, Smith is pinning his hopes on redemption today, when the Bears test their mettle in the 4-A regional tournament taking place this weekend in Raleigh.


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Published in Saturday's Sun Journal.