Satire
Kobe Bryant Crowned Lakers' MVP

By Corey Friedman

LOS ANGELES—His wide-toothed grin gone the way of his signature Afro hairstyle, a furious Kobe Bryant retreated from the Lakers’ locker room to sulk yesterday after being unanimously voted the team’s Most Valuable Pervert and awarded a trophy depicting an electric toaster hovering above a bathtub.

"I can honestly say that no one deserved this more than Kobe," said Los Angeles starting center Shaquille O’Neal. "The little freak should do us all a favor and take the trophy's suggestion. But out of all the pervs in the Lakers' line-up, Kobe is by far the most talented athletically."

The gutless worm is currently standing trial in Eagle, Colo. for the rape and sexual assault of a hotel employee. An insistent coward who refuses to own up to his repugnant actions, Bryant entered a plea of not guilty.

The MVP award was presented before a capacity crowd at the Staples Center yesterday afternoon. Child molester and musician R. Kelly was scheduled to perform at the ceremony, which was cut short when the brooding baller bolted.

Bryant priggishly refused to answer to reporters' questions after the awards ceremony, acting like the repulsive bottom-feeder he is.

"Even though looking at Kobe Bryant makes me want to vomit out my innards, there’s no denying his ability on the basketball court," said Lakers head coach Phil Jackson. "This sicko has a gift for basketball. He truly is the most valuable pervert we regret having on the team."